- I'm gonna need to vent for a few days (weeks?) until I stop having all these feelings
- This was SO MUCH LESS HORRIBLE because I had support and advice and information so I am paying it forward.
On stalking: It is never OK to do this kind of thing, it is not funny, it is not sexy. It made me feel unsafe. It meant the next day, until he was gone, that I second-guessed every interaction at that conference (of which men were probably 90% of the attendees) and wasted a lot of energy managing anxiety when I could have been benefiting from that very expensive conference ticket. I’m probably going to be having feelings about this for a long time.
On social networks: I was too busy being half awake and alarmed to have an effective response when this happened. It took time to process, it was my social network who prompted me through calling security and requesting the room change, I asked for my conference ID badge to be redacted on my own, but it took a few hours before I was thinking strategically and not just feeling overwhelmed. They validated my feelings, made me feel like it was OK to ask for what I needed, and meant I never felt alone.
Treasure the good people you meet in your life, nurture those relationships and share your strength when you can.
On scripts: Being prepared, having a response, knowing what I could say or do or expect can make a huge difference to my emotional well being, and to how I choose to act. It enables me to act rather than freeze up in difficult situations, it means I can protect myself, and it means I can stand up for myself and others.
My proposed future Script
- Complain to hotel security, that’s what they are for
- Request a room change, a different room when someone creepy knows where you are is A Good Thing.
- Complain to the police - I am sad I did not do this, awful!person could have been going home with a police record that might contribute to a future someone’s safety.
On positive action: One of my coping strategies is to try and find a positive action I can do, it helps me channel fear and anger into something that generates better feelings, and makes me feel less helpless when faced with something awful. My positive actions for this event are:
- To share this with you; may this be in some way useful or empowering for you
- To inoculate my workplace (via complaining about this a lot) in order to a) share my script with female coworkers and b) let my male coworkers know this is not OK and has consequences.
- To reflect on how lucky I am to have such excellent support networks, that there were responsive hotel staff, and supportive conference staff
Gah. The End.
And then this morning I dragged myself out of bed and went with artisanat and eldest to deal with shopping. Halfway through, I realised that this had been more of a commitment than I was cut out for, so instead of going with artisanat to the next thing, I flopped in bed and let everyone else do the responsible adult things (mostly putting the cold items in fridge/freezer). Did go with artisanat to get him to work after that, and drove the car home, but have spent the rest of the day so far in bed. Painkillers, coffee, left-overs, and a helpful other individual are all good things, but even put together have not got my pain below three-ish.
- Tuesday night, after gaming, did online part of first aid course that I had signed up to almost at the last minute. This was being run specifically for members of the local kink community, but I lobbed in as well because I knew the organiser and I kinda need to get my certification, and I hadn't been doing anything about it.
- Yesterday, did practical part of first aid course, so I should now have an active first aid certificate. The kink related aspects were really interesting, and it was great to see the trainer really get on board with trying to understand what likely scenarios might have been. Appreciated that they were okay with a random extra in the room.
- Today, flat as pancake. Except:
- Knock on front door just before 8:30am turned out to be the painter (who thinks they gave me the wrong day, and I just don't think I put them in the calendar at all. At least one of us is right). Ceiling in spare room now all repaired from the damage from the hot water service people; also the other patch in the ceiling has been painted (I paid for that bit myself). As a result, house is cold, *and* smells of paint (spare room outside door is open and internal door is closed, but the paint smell is still getting to me).
- Oven repair person was running early; eldest and I did a frantic rush around in the 15 minutes between call and arrival to make the kitchen a bit tidier and so that there was bench space for them to work at. Oven door is in better condition than it was, but has been taken away so that the front glass can be glued back on, because apparently the special heat resistant resin is giving up, and it needs to be done at the depot and cured for ~48 h, so I'll get that back on Monday.
- Youngest had skate camp Monday afternoon and Tuesday morning - I got bits of my report done during those times.
- Anything else I'm supposed to have done has slipped through my fingers. Feel like I'm behind on everything - trying to be kind to myself today, and allowing for high pain and low coping because it was inevitable after doing physically and emotionally challenging things all yesterday, but, oh, I'd love to have done Everything.
- Lotsa rain last night. Suspicious drip sounding noise above my head at some point of the night. Hoping it was dreaming (I woke a few times in the middle of really 'present' feeling dreams).
- ...and there might be other things, but I have to go collect youngest from the train and take them to dance.
My faves were: Egyptian noir The Nile Hilton Incident, civil rights documentary I Am Not Your Negro, and Civil War melodrama The Beguiled.
On The Road
The Nile Hilton Incident
Throne of Blood
I Am Not Your Negro
A Quiet Place
God's Own Country
( movies )
Started off and developed well but I still have no idea what happened in the last few chapters. The ending felt very abrupt and unsatisfactory.
The world building was good, the characters were interesting, the plot seemed to progress quite well, and then it felt like I was reading the end of a different book.
Mirrored from P.R. Kaye's Presence.
I was really getting into this novel, and then it ended.
Well written, great world building, interesting and diverse characters, meaty plot, but it felt like a bit too much set-up for future novels, and not enough resolution for this one.
Mirrored from P.R. Kaye's Presence.
Yesterday, much of the day was out of the house, so I wasn't tracking things. I achieved things as treasurer of the team (but not as many as I would like - was unable to pay coach 1 because I can't set them up as a payee; ditto another payment due). I went to skate class, and I learnt a half-Lutz, which is one of the weirdest bits of jump I think I've learned (possibly worse than the Mazurka jump, which I can never remember from one session to another). I went to ballet class, and managed all the jumps in the centre, rather than at the barre. And we had people over for a crafternoon, so I finished up some crochet squares that needed doing (mostly ones where I had run out of yarn, so needed a second colour).
Today, I've slept in, lazed around, and read a bit. And now I'm working on patchwork squares for the 365 day project. To show how far behind I am - so far I've finished January 25th and 26th, and have moved on to January 27. I have pieces cut through to February 4th, so the goal is to get those all sewn (these ones are all 3" finished, so that seems do-able). And then, if there is something I want to watch that isn't going to cause tension, I'm planning on watching something and cutting at least a week's worth more of pieces. After that, maybe responsible adult mouse does things like washing and cleaning (having said that, I've already run a load, I just haven't done anything about hanging it up).
1. started and finished reading 'Kaitangata Twitch' by Margaret Mahy. review to come (this counts as finishing something I was procrastinating on, because it was on the teetering book mound of doom, most of which has been moved to the games room).
2. had lunch with a friend I don't see often
3. cleaned up all the data entry for one endnote library, moved all items that are to be kept to the 'general health' new endnote library
4. deleted one endnote library that turned out to be text and no pdfs. This was from a paper that just never happened, so i'm happy to just delete it
5. went and helped a friend with cleaning. This doesn't count on the 'things put off', at least, not on mine, but it did eat a significant amount of the day, and it was a fair achievement.
6. dropped things from the back of the car in to the op-shop (also purchased: 2 seasons of the West Wing, which I have never seen, and two books I want to read but don't already own. And a jacket for middlest, because they missed out on the last round, being the wrong size. and some food safe little packing boxes, for youngest to make gifts for school friends later. )
7. went through the bag and box of clothes from friend with youngest, who will be keeping some. (not really something I've procrastinated on, but more prevention of procrastination, so I'm giving myself the credit).
Tomorrow, I have a long list of paperwork that needs to be dealt with. I've hopefully written all of them down in a list, and i'm going to try really hard to get through that whole list. If I manage that by lunch time, I'm going to have to find some kind of reward. Possibly leaving the house and finding a spot in the sun with a book. That was always a good choice, although I tend to find it hard to just enjoy it these days.
What I have achieved so far.
1. Bedroom/en suite have had a significant amount of love and attention, including cleaning floors, changing sheets and towels, and dealing with (almost) all of the stray clothing
2. Spare room has been slightly rearranged (wardrobe rotated 90° so that the doors face the outside doors) so that we can access the hot water booster switch without contortions
3. Gone back to learning Irish on Duolingo (repeated the first lesson, did the second) and started on Russian. Did a bit of catch up Italian - not yet at the point where I'd like to be, which is working through several tasks on several languages every day, but at least making some progress.
4. Read "One of Us Is Lying"
5. Did the reviews of the two books I've read here and on Goodreads. Also catalogued the one that I bought yesterday.
Which kind of means I haven't gone anywhere near the list of urgent things, but Right Now, I have no brain. I'm going to open up one of my email folders, and just work through emails, doing whatever is needed (either turning into a fanfic rec, or reading a fanfic, because it is that folder) for long enough for the coffee and lunch to kick in and make me feel better. After that, I have to do some hunting for a piece of paper that I hope is under the couch.
Completely forgot a couple of things!
6. Ran a 'bowl clean' cycle on the washing machine, because it has been whinging at me.
7. Ran a towel wash load, which eldest has kindly hung up for me.
So, lunch time, and I have achieved 7 things! I will have to do the other two things on yesterday's urgent list, but right now, sticking to the fanfic reading/blogging goal.
One of Us Is Lying by Karen M McManus is a murder mystery set in an American high school which unashamedly opens with a riff on The Breakfast Club. And to be completely honest, it is the use of this riff as a marketing tool that drew me in. I don't often buy a book based on the cover, but this one says "A Geek, A Jock, A Criminal, A Princess. A MURDER. Who would you believe" on the front cover, and I was hooked. Yes, my first thought was 'but they've forgotten Ally Sheedy' (after I'd read it three times to make sure that there really were only four people listed, if one doesn't count the murder). But that wouldn't have been enough if the writing hadn't been superb. A little heavy on the melodrama and the trope of the incompetent police, but ticks all of the boxes that I'm looking for in a novel these days. Four fabulously developed and varied viewpoint characters, a range of well flesh out minor characters, great world building, well paced plot, 'effortless' prose. And a whole stack of interesting diversity hidden in the background.
Castle Hangnail by Ursula Vernon - magic/question/coming of age whimsical story of a young teen who heads off to become Master of a small and rather run down magical castle. Aimed squarely at the mid-to-late primary school age group, this is a great story about how our protagonist, Molly, makes a place for herself and finds a family.
I think one of the most interesting comments was made by Goodreads user Lois Bujold:
The interesting train of thought this one started in me was about women's quests, and how they differ from men's quests. With the usual romance elements of such a story tossed out, the protagonist being twelve, the other essential parts of the pattern come into much better focus, and it becomes clear that the goal of a woman's quest/coming-of-age-tale is, exogamically, a House Of One's Own. In prior eras, the only way to a house was through a guy; happily, this is less the case today.
- accounts for team
- putting time in to pod_together - need to read some suggestions and start to make comments on.
And anything else that inspires me will have to happen when it happens. The only one that has an imminent deadline on it is the first one, because I'm having a meeting with someone about it at 6pm.
- Sort out skate camp timings
- Make a shortlist for youngest for next program, and give it to the coach
- ironing -- did all of my clothes that were hanging in the spare room, plus the pile of hankies (nearly counted this as two things, but whatever)
- watched an episode of Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries -- nearly at the end of the season, so of course this was a high drama with cliffhanger episode
- Finished reading Castle Hangnail (review to come real soon now)
- collected ordered book (and bought an extra one, because the description riffs off The Breakfast Club so nicely, and it is a YA murder mystery
- collected medication (ordered yesterday - the formulation that they had in stock tastes *disgusting* and they were willing to order an alternative for me
I've also managed to get a bit of housework done, and sorted through emails, and closed browser tabs. Spent a bit of time on Duolingo and Khan Academy. Taken youngest to skating, and middlest to dance. Taken middlest on a twelve minute driving lesson around the late, that turned out to be more stressful than expected because the traffic was busier than middlest had previously experienced, and it started to rain. I've socialised with friends at the rink. Bought takeaway that is relatively healthy, and the rest of the family likes (I don't eat it, because gluten). And I sat in the lounge and ate dinner with the family, without feeling the need to go lie down. Lots of little things that I haven't been making time for, or haven't had the energy for. So feeling pretty pleased!
This will hopefully put me in a head space where I can then work solidly for a few (or more) weeks, and get the last report done, while still having plenty of energy for other things. I will be working on the report every day in the mean time, because there are some things that are going to require having access to a university library, and I'm not sure when my current ones will run out.
Having said all that - having four unstructured days is going to leave me antsy. So I've put in three guidelines to see if I can encourage myself to do enough, but not too much.
- Stay out of bed between 9am and 5pm. Lying on the couch is fine, just not the bed.
- Attempt to get daily to-do list done by lunch time (this is not onerous, I should be able to do it in an hour if I'm being focused)
- Attempt to do 7 things that I have been putting off every day. This can range from working on joint projects, reading unfinished books, the ironing, going for walks places, catching up with people (and if I don't have enough 'putting things off' items, I'll just count things I did that were necessary). I'm making note of these on paper, and will aim to blog at 5pm (or whenever is appropriate, because I'm rarely home at 5pm)
Emmys allows non-binary start to choose category for their nomination - I disagree with the last statement though, that 'actor' is a non-gendered term. It is getting there, but when explicitly contrasted with 'actress' is isn't quite. But I think that the actor in question picking that is a really interesting choice, and good on them. [And I actively use actor for all people who act, and I do that for a lot of roles where there is an'-ess' variant, and I find the struggle with male-as-default annoying, along with the males terms are more 'credible'. But this is meant to be a links list, not a rant...]
Everything you want to now about the 5:2 diet - some what of a misleading title, because some of what I read as reportedly by 'experts' sounds like they haven't read any of the actual publications on this particular 'diet' (the 'and then people eat more afterwards' is actually covered in the scientific reports, as are some of the other criticisms, such as 'whatever you want doesn't just mean junk food'). But there are a lot of useful points in there.
(and I have many more tabs to close - I've managed 17 in the process of making this post, while opening another 6 (of which this one I'm typing in counts) so I'm going to go and do something else for a while)