Arguably working part-time is the best of both worlds. At the moment, alas, it feels like I am being squashed between about eleventyone competing priorities.
Things at work are insanely busy with 13 major projects that need to be completed by the end of the year. But staff are leaving all the time, there is no certainty about the restructure and whether we will get our new positions. We are so busy that I have been asked to work more hours, which I would love to but...
Ruby is incredibly clingy. With great reluctance she has accepted that I have to work two days a week but she starts asking where I am about two o'clock every day. She says that her favourite days are the days she spends hanging out with me.
And she is never exactly robust. She had a fever on Tuesday, spent the day at my parents, came home, still had a fever, did not sleep all night (not true - one period of an hour and a half), then the next day she was obviously really sick but I had a big meeting at work so I took her to my parents. My Mum was out and by the time I picked her up she was really ill and the GP redirected us to the hospital. She was eventually sent home, when they decided she has a virus but she was really dehydrated and obviously I should have been with her.
So the entire afternoon consisted of us going to medical things, Ruby crying, Pearl being bored, me being phoned by work to be asked about moped licensing, me setting up the delivery of the new mattress for the next day, asking a friend to wait at my house to pick up the shopping that was being delivered. (THANK you!)
As we were driving about the car kept stalling (because it is hopeless in the heat). I know we need a new one but I just want to wait til next year to work more hours because then Ruby will be in preprimary every day and I can work more hours but still be with her after school so she won't freak out.
And basically I just have too much to do and I cannot do it all and it is only for another few months but I have no more energy left and I am so tired.
Today was the alternating Thursday of term which means Ruby was meant to have school. I had been literally fantasising about this since last Thursday (when I had extra training and also a vomiting bug).
'Don't worry,' I said to myself, 'There's only training on Thursday and Friday. Then the insanely busy weekend with multiple children's parties, father's day, swimming lessons and more, and then two and half days at work, literally running from one task to the next, and then it will be Thursday and I can sleep for several hours.'
Except no. Ruby was really sick so no rest for the wicked. As it turned out, it was probably for the best as the house had not been cleaned in over a week and lunch for Pearl on Wednesday was literally me giving her a bowl of honey and pancakes and her not eating the pancakes. Honey for lunch and I hadn't even had time to clean up the spills she made on the floor.
I discussed it with my mother and I really do need to impress them at work because of the restructure, so perhaps I can offer up the alternate Thursdays to increase my hours. But this makes my heart literally break because I feel like I am having some kind of massive mental breakdown and I just need some time to myself and I need to not be with my children all the time.
I wonder if there is something in the idea of a seven year itch, as Pearl is seven and I am so tired of being with the children constantly when not at work. Even thinking about the times when I have had time off are not cheering me, because I keep thinking about how pitifully small they are (some time at Swancon, my birthday lunch and a movie so far this year which is about typical for a year but I just really want more time).
Also, I feel horribly mean at the moment and was not even happy when my co-worker won $200,000. I just thought that she and her husband don't need it as they have two incomes in their household whereas we have half of one.
Basically I am teetering on the edge of some kind of break down but I really don't see how I can make things better until school starts next year. Which is not that far away, so I must emulate Miles Vorkosigan and get over the heavy ground as easily as I can.
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