What does a feminist mother look like?
Mar. 30th, 2011 07:54 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
emma_in_dreamI thought I'd do Bluemilk's feminist mothering questions: http://bluemilk.wordpress.com
How would you describe your feminism in one sentence? When did you become a feminist? Was it before or after you became a mother?
I would say I have always believed people should have equal opportunities. In my 20s I gradually came to realise that if people don’t start on an even playing ground, then just giving people the same things doesn’t mean equality.
That realisation came before I was a mother - being at university, surrounded by other thinking women certainly helped.
What has surprised you most about motherhood?
I had no idea I would fall in love so completely and overwhelmingly. Really it makes every other love I’ve ever felt seem way less significant.
It amazes me that there is this big cultural silence on this issue. Where are the songs, the stories about any form of love other than the romantic sort? About friendship, love for your family, and most especially love for children.
Since I’ve had my two girls several people (actually, women, lots of women) have told me privately that their lives would be complete without their husbands but not without their children. And then they say that’s not something they can tell to many people.
I find this enormous silence very confusing.
Edited to say: I can think of the Dixie Chicks song about IVF and infertility, there’s *A Little Ray of Sunshine*, and *He’s Not Heavy, He’s My Brother*. I can literally not think of any other songs about family love and I’d appreciate recommendations.
How has your feminism changed over time? What is the impact of motherhood on your feminism?
When I was younger I was all about women competing in the public sphere. Now I’m all about that if that is what folks want. But also I want work inside the home to be valued more.
Things like bringing up children, staying connected with family and friends, and doing the grunt work of keeping house are actually what makes life worth living. Seriously, I want to live in a world where people stay in touch with each other - this is what makes life meaningful.
All this work is largely (not invariably, but mostly) done by women. And it isn’t even noticed, let alone acknowledged or valued. Susan Maushart’s *Wife Work* goes through this in moving detail.
Our society has defined work/life balance as an individual problem (which means it’s a woman’s problem).
Pearl has a copy of the Berenstain’s *He Bear, She Bear* (1974) which I had as a child. It is all about how both He Bear and She Bear can grow up to do anything:
We'll jump and dig and build and fly
There's nothing that we cannot try.
We can do all these things, you see,
Whether we are he or she!
But all the options they are given are forms of work in the public sphere. Basically She Bear can grow up to build the tallest building yet or fly a super jumbo jet but there is no mention of He Bear learning to do new things like clean the toilet or make a meal or write a birthday card. Which, OK, is a lot less exciting. But the necessary next step to any kind of social revolution is *both* She Bear entering the public sphere *and* He Bear taking responsibility for working in the home and being emotionally competent.
What makes your mothering feminist? How does your approach differ from a non-feminist mother’s? How does feminism impact upon your parenting?
It certainly informs my awareness of issues like body consciousness, female role models, boldness, and trying to avoid bloody Disney Princesses.
Do you ever feel compromised as a feminist mother? Do you ever feel you’ve failed as a feminist mother?
I feel that I have failed as a feminist mother a lot of the time. Take bloody Disney Princesses for instance. I have tried to resist and yet they keep sneaking into our house. I ask that Pearl and Ruby not be given them and yet they keep coming in as gifts from my family and my parents’ friends. Pearl got a book of Arial’s adventures the other day and I have given it to charity (and lied to her about not knowing where it is) because it is so irredeemably crap that I cannot even adlib a decent story line.
And despite my efforts Pearl has already, at the age of not quite three, taken on a message that Princesses have Princes. We were listening to the soundtrack to *The Wizard of Oz* and the plaintive sound of Judy Garland singing about rainbows made her ask whether she was a Princess. Her next question was whether she had a Prince. I said, no, she had three friends, a scarecrow, a tin man and a lion.
Basically I feel like it is me in one corner and a massive marketing machine in another. In order to keep her away from Disney - with its pernicious body images, its relentless message that women need men, its destruction of all the alternate versions of the stories and its hideous commercialism and marketing - I would need to keep her from going into the shops, wearing pull ups, vet every present she gets (and believe me, I try) and, cough, not let her watch any songs on Youtube. We never start with the Princesses but you click on a link to nursery rhymes and there you are.
I constantly emphasise the up side of Princesses. They are kind to animals. They might be good zookeepers (the only career Pearl has expressed an interest in). But do you know why they are kind to animals? Because they have no female friends, because they are entirely alone until they meet their Prince.
And I try telling her different versions of the fairy tales and finding more feminist friendly book version but it is as naught because Disney is a great big monstrous machine that eats everything in front of it.
Has identifying as a feminist mother ever been difficult? Why?
I think people identify me as a feminist mother as soon as I introduce my children. I say, blah blah, wanted kids, blah, no husband, blah blah, fertility clinic, donor, blah blah, late 30s, blah, lucky enough to have two children.
People hear independent, strong minded, did lots of research and immediately go to feminist. Or, no doubt, some hear crazy man hater and they go to feminist. Either way, there is no need for me to come out as a feminist.
Motherhood involves sacrifice, how do you reconcile that with being a feminist?
Incompletely.
If you have a partner, how does your partner feel about your feminist motherhood? What is the impact of your feminism on your partner?
No partner.
If you’re an attachment parenting mother, what challenges if any does this pose for your feminism and how have you resolved them?
I’m not an attachment parent and I admire those that do it. I get so sick of people touching me... When I went back to work, I was thrilled (thrilled I say!) to be able to go to the toilet alone. Also, it symbolised the relative degrees to which I am valued at work (people drift past my desk) and at home (my company is irreplaceable).
Do you feel feminism has failed mothers and if so how? Personally, what do you think feminism has given mothers?
I think feminists care more about mothers than most groups in our society. Feminists are the only group who don’t define the work/life balance as a personal issue.
How would you describe your feminism in one sentence? When did you become a feminist? Was it before or after you became a mother?
I would say I have always believed people should have equal opportunities. In my 20s I gradually came to realise that if people don’t start on an even playing ground, then just giving people the same things doesn’t mean equality.
That realisation came before I was a mother - being at university, surrounded by other thinking women certainly helped.
What has surprised you most about motherhood?
I had no idea I would fall in love so completely and overwhelmingly. Really it makes every other love I’ve ever felt seem way less significant.
It amazes me that there is this big cultural silence on this issue. Where are the songs, the stories about any form of love other than the romantic sort? About friendship, love for your family, and most especially love for children.
Since I’ve had my two girls several people (actually, women, lots of women) have told me privately that their lives would be complete without their husbands but not without their children. And then they say that’s not something they can tell to many people.
I find this enormous silence very confusing.
Edited to say: I can think of the Dixie Chicks song about IVF and infertility, there’s *A Little Ray of Sunshine*, and *He’s Not Heavy, He’s My Brother*. I can literally not think of any other songs about family love and I’d appreciate recommendations.
How has your feminism changed over time? What is the impact of motherhood on your feminism?
When I was younger I was all about women competing in the public sphere. Now I’m all about that if that is what folks want. But also I want work inside the home to be valued more.
Things like bringing up children, staying connected with family and friends, and doing the grunt work of keeping house are actually what makes life worth living. Seriously, I want to live in a world where people stay in touch with each other - this is what makes life meaningful.
All this work is largely (not invariably, but mostly) done by women. And it isn’t even noticed, let alone acknowledged or valued. Susan Maushart’s *Wife Work* goes through this in moving detail.
Our society has defined work/life balance as an individual problem (which means it’s a woman’s problem).
Pearl has a copy of the Berenstain’s *He Bear, She Bear* (1974) which I had as a child. It is all about how both He Bear and She Bear can grow up to do anything:
We'll jump and dig and build and fly
There's nothing that we cannot try.
We can do all these things, you see,
Whether we are he or she!
But all the options they are given are forms of work in the public sphere. Basically She Bear can grow up to build the tallest building yet or fly a super jumbo jet but there is no mention of He Bear learning to do new things like clean the toilet or make a meal or write a birthday card. Which, OK, is a lot less exciting. But the necessary next step to any kind of social revolution is *both* She Bear entering the public sphere *and* He Bear taking responsibility for working in the home and being emotionally competent.
What makes your mothering feminist? How does your approach differ from a non-feminist mother’s? How does feminism impact upon your parenting?
It certainly informs my awareness of issues like body consciousness, female role models, boldness, and trying to avoid bloody Disney Princesses.
Do you ever feel compromised as a feminist mother? Do you ever feel you’ve failed as a feminist mother?
I feel that I have failed as a feminist mother a lot of the time. Take bloody Disney Princesses for instance. I have tried to resist and yet they keep sneaking into our house. I ask that Pearl and Ruby not be given them and yet they keep coming in as gifts from my family and my parents’ friends. Pearl got a book of Arial’s adventures the other day and I have given it to charity (and lied to her about not knowing where it is) because it is so irredeemably crap that I cannot even adlib a decent story line.
And despite my efforts Pearl has already, at the age of not quite three, taken on a message that Princesses have Princes. We were listening to the soundtrack to *The Wizard of Oz* and the plaintive sound of Judy Garland singing about rainbows made her ask whether she was a Princess. Her next question was whether she had a Prince. I said, no, she had three friends, a scarecrow, a tin man and a lion.
Basically I feel like it is me in one corner and a massive marketing machine in another. In order to keep her away from Disney - with its pernicious body images, its relentless message that women need men, its destruction of all the alternate versions of the stories and its hideous commercialism and marketing - I would need to keep her from going into the shops, wearing pull ups, vet every present she gets (and believe me, I try) and, cough, not let her watch any songs on Youtube. We never start with the Princesses but you click on a link to nursery rhymes and there you are.
I constantly emphasise the up side of Princesses. They are kind to animals. They might be good zookeepers (the only career Pearl has expressed an interest in). But do you know why they are kind to animals? Because they have no female friends, because they are entirely alone until they meet their Prince.
And I try telling her different versions of the fairy tales and finding more feminist friendly book version but it is as naught because Disney is a great big monstrous machine that eats everything in front of it.
Has identifying as a feminist mother ever been difficult? Why?
I think people identify me as a feminist mother as soon as I introduce my children. I say, blah blah, wanted kids, blah, no husband, blah blah, fertility clinic, donor, blah blah, late 30s, blah, lucky enough to have two children.
People hear independent, strong minded, did lots of research and immediately go to feminist. Or, no doubt, some hear crazy man hater and they go to feminist. Either way, there is no need for me to come out as a feminist.
Motherhood involves sacrifice, how do you reconcile that with being a feminist?
Incompletely.
If you have a partner, how does your partner feel about your feminist motherhood? What is the impact of your feminism on your partner?
No partner.
If you’re an attachment parenting mother, what challenges if any does this pose for your feminism and how have you resolved them?
I’m not an attachment parent and I admire those that do it. I get so sick of people touching me... When I went back to work, I was thrilled (thrilled I say!) to be able to go to the toilet alone. Also, it symbolised the relative degrees to which I am valued at work (people drift past my desk) and at home (my company is irreplaceable).
Do you feel feminism has failed mothers and if so how? Personally, what do you think feminism has given mothers?
I think feminists care more about mothers than most groups in our society. Feminists are the only group who don’t define the work/life balance as a personal issue.
